You Can Never Live Up to the Impossibly High Parenting Standards of Cocomelon’s Mommy and Daddy

Cocomelon
Cocomelon

If you are a parent to a child aged 1-4, there’s a very strong chance you are listening to Cocomelon songs on repeat from sun-up to bedtime daily. Though it’s been around for a while (previously known as ABC Kids TV), Cocomelon has burst onto the scene to become YouTube’s second-most viewed channel in the world in 2020. With over 101 million active subscribers and billions upon billions of views, Cocomelon’s husband and wife creators are no doubt living large.

There should be concerns about Baby JoJo’s hair development.

Parents are obviously not the target audience, and are not expected to get much out of the show. But you can’t help but catch parts of it here and there, and there is one part of the show that is particularly unsettling to watch. No, it’s not Baby JoJo with his single lock of curly hair dangling from his drive-in movie screen forehead. No, it’s not the fact that a wolf, elephant, and other animals sometimes come to life and have freeze-dance contests or basketball games (complete with uniforms and score-keeping) with the family. It’s not even the often lazy lyrics (Yum, yum, yum. I like it, oooo!)

It’s the mom and dad in the show (known simply as Mommy and Daddy) who raise the parenting bar impossibly high and make even the most devoted real-life parents look like sleazebags by comparison. Mommy and Daddy are always around, 100% locked-in to parenting, and giving it their all to make these tots happy. They have infinite amounts of patience, are never distracted by modern technology, and do practically nothing for themselves. By the looks of it, they are sacrificing everything for these kids, god bless ’em.

Daddy busts out a guitar at YoYo’s bedtime, because he’s better than you and he knows it.

Neither parent appears to have a full-time job outside the house, but given their reasonably nice suburban home and high standard of living, it should be assumed at least one parent is working from home during the pandemic. If true, Dad didn’t get the memo that it’s okay to let your guard down and grow out some stubble and wear sweats. Dad is always cleanly-shaven, and always dressed at least at a business-casual level with a button-down shirt tucked into khakis. If he’s truly putting in eight hours on Zoom calls all day, he has an unworldly amount of energy afterwards to jump straight into Grade-A parenting. There has to be a cocktail hour or line of coke mixed in there somewhere that we just don’t see.

Neither parent has any apparent “me time” either. No real hobbies. No chance to go out and have a few beers with their friends. They aren’t even playing XBox or bingeing any Netflix shows! It’s kid, kid, kid, kid, kid. That’s the entire focus, and that could eventually blow up in their faces. Everyone needs a little time to themselves.

Perhaps the biggest “we’re better than you” part of the show is the parents never toss their phone off to any of the kids to watch YouTube to occupy their minds for a moment. The kids are virtually screen-free, unheard of in today’s society. Mommy and Daddy are also screen-free, by the looks of it. No “You go play, son. I’ll be here on the park bench scrolling through Twitter. Scream if you need something.”

A rare moment of letting their guards down! Mommy and Daddy fall asleep while the three kids are left to wander the home unsupervised.

Another classic example of their parenting being way better than every other family is the “Rainbow Popsicle” song. “We need to find a fruit that is red!” sings Mommy. They procure a red fruit, wash it, chop it, blend it, dump it in the popsicle mold, freeze it, do all the cleaning up, and then come back an hour later and start searching for a fruit that is orange and do it all over again. And then yellow. And then green, and so on. Mommy had to have sacrificed an entire afternoon for the tiny payoff of the five minutes it took to eat the rainbow popsicle at the end. Unless she was mixing some Bacardi into a separate batch of “Mommy” popsicles, she possesses more patience than you could ever dream of.

There have been a couple of moments where the kids almost got to them, like when they were driving in the car asking “are we there yet” ad nauseum. Mommy and Daddy clearly grew tired quickly, feigning responses before thinking of a game to play as a family. Mommy also once pinched the living f*ck out of her finger in a dresser drawer with the kids playing nearby. The finger was bright red and visibly throbbing, yet she never muttered out so much as a “gosh darn it!” let alone “Motherf—er! Jesus Christ! Ohhhh… shit… ohh that’s bad. Oh God.”

The Melon Ballerz pulled out every trick to win the big game, 32-31, at the buzzer.

The family does appear to take out a little steam on the soccer field or basketball court. In the family’s basketball game vs. the random animals, Daddy was ruthless and wildly unsportsmanlike, power-rejecting a bunny’s layup, and tomahawk dunking over a pig. Likewise with Mommy in the soccer game, kicking the ball right into the faces of the animals with a wicked side-legger.

Yes, the white middle-class Cocomelon family, on the surface, has it all. Health, good looks, money, beautiful home, grandparents nearby to help out on occasion, and true love, admiration and adoration of each other.

That’s great. Good for them. What a wholesome family to create a show around. But sooner or later, they are going to burn the F out, and I sure wouldn’t want to be there when they do.

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